CHIN TECK!!!!!!


"Meet the Heavy" Video Transcript

[The Heavy walks up to the camera and places Minigun on a cardboard box]

Heavy: "I am Heavy Weapons Guy....and this [grabs minigun] is my weapon. She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two hundred dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon... for twelve seconds."

Heavy: [Laughs]

Heavy: [Checks minigun]

Heavy: "Oh my god, who touched Sasha? Alright.. Who touched my gun!?"

Heavy: "Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe, [sniff] maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet."

Heavy: [Holds up bullet to the camera]

[Heavy devastates the enemies with his minigun on Dustbowl Stage 1 Cap 1]

[Team Fortress 2 theme plays]

Heavy: "Beeeeehhhhh! Uwaaaaaaah! Wahahahahaha! Cry some more!"

[Pause]

Heavy: "Hehe, cry some more."

[Team Fortress 2 ending flourish music plays]
Notes

* The Meet the Heavy video was the first one Valve recorded in multiple languages. Current language versions include:
o English
o Russian
o French
o German

* Ironic Sign: The 'Super Caliber' bullets box that the Heavy rests his weapon on and subsequently crushes is marked 'Fragile'.

* The Heavy has also placed said box the wrong way up.

* There is a battle plan drawn up on the whiteboard in the background for what appears to be Point B in gravelpit.

* Body Count: 7

* As the first, experimental Meet the Class video, the ending screen features the outdated official group pic of the classes and there is no introductory 'Meet the Heavy' text. However, the alternate language versions of the video have had these features added to make them consistent with newer videos.

Who do you think is most like this guy?



"Meet the Soldier" Video Transcript

[Cut to a BLU Pyro firing a blast of flame from his Flame thrower. He thrusts his weapon in the air and laughs triumphantly as a rocket heads towards him from off screen].

Pyro: [Rocket hits Pyro, who is gibbed.] "Ow!"

[Cut to Demoman taking a drink, also getting blown up by a crit rocket from off screen.]

[Cut to Heavy performing his fists taunt.]

Heavy: "Pow!" [Explodes]

["Meet the Soldier" text appears.]

[Cut to the soldier, drilling what appears to be a line of recruits.]

Soldier: "If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must fight! Sun Tzu said that, and I'd say he knows a little bit more about fighting than you do, pal, because he invented it, and then he perfected it so that no living man could best him in the ring of honor."

[The Drums of War plays]

[Cut to the Soldier holding his Shovel and screaming.]

[The Soldier then charges the final capture point in Granary with his Shotgun and kills a Demoman, who fires at him but misses.]

RED Heavy: "To the left!"

Soldier: "Maggots!"

[The Soldier turns to the left and fires a rocket at a Medic, gibbing him.]

RED Sniper: "Good aim, good aim!"

RED Heavy: "Go, go, go!"

[The Soldier, Sniper and Heavy charge into battle together, as explosions occur all around them.]

[Cut back to the Soldier's drill.]

Soldier: "Then, he used his fight money...

[The Soldier unhooks two grenades from his belt, one in each hand.]

Soldier: ...to buy two of every animal on earth, and then he herded them onto a boat...

[The Soldier demonstrates by using the grenades, moving them in a walking motion.]

Soldier: ...and then he beat the crap out of every single one."

[The Soldier bangs the two grenades together repeatedly.]

[Cut back to battle scene.]

RED Scout: (Behind cover) "Sentry up there!"

[The Soldier runs up to the Sentry gun and rocket jumps onto a pipe, both destroying the Sentry and killing the Engineer in the process.]

[A BLU Heavy and Pyro are holding the final capture point. The Heavy is laughing gleefully. The Soldier jumps downward, firing a rocket that lands just before he does. The explosion kills both the Heavy and Pyro. A Spy uncloaks and attempts to backstab the Soldier, but the Soldier pulls out his shovel, swiftly knocking out the spy with it.]

[Freeze frame]

[Cut back to the Soldiers drill]

Soldier: [Laughs to himself] "And from that day forward any time a bunch of animals are together in one place it's called a 'Tzu'!"

[Crickets chirp as the 'recruits' are revealed to be the Gibbed heads of BLU team members perched on a gate, all wearing BLU Soldier helmets. The Medic's head falls off the gate.]

[Team Fortress 2 ending flourish music plays.]

Soldier: [To the Medic's head] "Unless it's a farm!"
Notes

* Sun Tzu was an honorific title bestowed upon Sūn Wǔ (c. 544 BC – 496 BC), the author of The Art of War, an immensely influential ancient Chinese book on military strategy.[1]

* Ironic Sign: A 'No Smoking' sign is visible in the background when the Soldier whacks the Spy with his shovel.

* The The Drums of War track first played in this video, after which it was patched into the game as menu music by Valve.

* In the battle sequence, a Sniper is shown charging into battle on the front lines. Rather unusual.

* The Soldier removes and interacts with his grenades. In game, they are only removed during the shotgun taunt and can not be used, just as with the Pyro. The Heavy is similarly unable to use the ammo belts on his chest to supply his minigun.

* This video was the first to feature both intro text and the updated group picture at the end.

* The line-up of heads shown at the end of the video in order of left to right is Engineer, Pyro, Heavy, Spy, Medic, Demoman, Sniper, Soldier (with the Scout being unaccounted for).

* The Red Team seem to be charging back to their own capture point. Also unusual.

* Body Count: 9

GABRIEL SRSLY


"Meet the Engineer" Video Transcript

["Meet the Engineer" text appears]

[Cut to the Engineer sitting on his toolbox and playing 'Someone Else's Song' by Wilco on his guitar]

Engineer: "Hey look buddy, I'm an engineer, that means I solve problems. [A gunshot ricochets off the truck near the Engineer, he ignores it] "Not problems like 'What is beauty?', because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy."

[Two more gunshots ricochet off the truck, close to the Engineer's head, he glances briefly at the bullet holes]

Engineer: "I solve practical problems."

[The Engineer takes a bottle of beer from a nearby crate and swigs it as the level 1 Sentry gun near him swivels round and shoots the unseen Heavy]

[Scream]

[The Engineer puts down beer and continues to play. His kill counter goes up from 209 to 210]

Engineer: "Fr'instance..."

[The camera shows a BLU Sniper in the background trying to sneak past the Engineer]

Engineer: "...How am I going to stop some big mean mother hubbard from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind?"

[The Sentry gun notices and kills the Sniper]

[Kill counter: 210-211]

Engineer: "The answer..."

[Level 2 Sentry gun fires and kills a Scout]

[Scream]

[Kill counter: 211-212]

Engineer: "...use a gun. And if that don't work, [level 3 Sentry gun fires rockets] use more gun."

[The Engineer stops playing. A large explosion is heard and the Engineer grins happily]

Unseen Attacker: "My arm!"

[A severed hand lands in front of the Engineer, who continues playing. The level 1 Sentry gun targets the hand]

[Kill counter: 212-213]

Engineer: "Like this heavy caliber, tripod-mounted, little 'ol number designed by me, [the Engineer kicks the hand, which is shot out of the air by the level 1 Sentry gun] built by me, [the level one sentry gun shoots yet another attacker] [kill counter: 213-214] and you'd best hope...not pointed at you."

[The camera zooms out from the Engineer as his sentries continue to devastate the attackers. It is revealed that the Engineers truck is crammed full of BLU Intelligence]

[Various screams]

[Team Fortress 2 ending flourish music plays]
Notes

* The song the Engineer plays on his guitar was not composed for the video and is called 'Someone Else's Song'. It was originally written by American Country band Wilco for their album Being There. Interestingly, the album was released in 1996, and Team Fortress 2 is set in 1968. Perhaps the Engineer invented a time machine?

* This is the only Meet the Class video that does not feature an ironic sign easter egg of some sort.

* The beer the Engineer drinks is branded 'Blu Streak'. This is a reference to the 'Blue Streak' missile.

* If you listen, you can hear the kill counter click each time one of the Engineer's sentries makes a kill.

* The kill counter clicks twice after the Level 2 Sentry gun kills the scout and registers 2 kills.

* The Engineer in this video has built himself four sentry guns. In game, the Engineer can only build a single sentry at any one time.

* The Engineer bears the in game symbol for metal on each shoulder.

* Body Count: 219 (209 of which occurred offscreen, making 10 in the video)

SOME FAST RUNNING GUY


"Meet the Scout" Video Transcript

[The Scout is in a fierce battle on Well. He runs towards the center of the map dodging everything that BLU throws at him, then outruns and crosses a passing train]

["Meet the Scout" text appears]

[Scout walks in front of the Meet the Scout text, from off frame.]

Scout: "Um... I don't even know where ta' start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talkin' to?

[Cut to a scene of a BLU Heavy, sitting near the third Control Point in Granary about to take a bite of a sandwich, when he is poked in the head by the Scout's bat.]

Scout: "Yo, what's up?"

[Cut back to Scout in front of text.]

Scout: D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am?"

[Back to Heavy and Scout, who are in a fistfight and yelling. Cuts back to Scout.]

Scout: "Basically - kind of a big deal!"

[Back to fight. Scout is strangling Heavy with his bat.]

Scout: [Flexes a muscle] "Oh man, that's beautiful. Heh!"

[Cut back to fight, Heavy now has the Scout in a headlock. Cuts back to Scout.]

Scout: "Are ya' listenin'? Ok, grass grows, birds fly, sun shines. And brotha'- I hurt people."

[Cut back to fight, and Scout whacks the Heavy in the groin with his bat.]

Scout: "BOINK!"

Scout: [Back to Text] "I'm a force of nature!"

[Scout hits the Heavy in the chin.]

Scout: "BONK!"

[Cuts back to Scout]

Scout: "If you were from, where I was from, you'd be f**kin' dead!"

[Cuts back to fight; Heavy is collapsed on the ground trying to crawl away; the Scout runs up the side of a shipping container, jumps off and slams his bat into the Heavy's head.]

[Cuts back to Scout]

Scout: "WOOO!"

[Team Fortress 2 ending flourish music plays]

[Scout sits on the twitching body of the Heavy eating the Heavy's sandwich; the point is now RED.]
Notes

* This video was first shown at the Game Developer's Conference in Feburary of 2008.

* The Heavy's emblem on his shoulders has changed from a skull and crossbones (Meet the Heavy) to fists.

* When the Scout pokes the camera during the line "..and brudda', I hurt people" he leaves a fingerprint which stays there for the rest of the video.

* Body count: 3

* Ironic Sign: The sign on the stairwell after the Scout dodges the speeding train reads 'Watch Your Step'.

* The RED team runs out of the BLU base to attack the middle Control point. Rather unusual.

* The BLU Sentry gun sounds more like a Heavy's minigun, and has a rather wide muzzle flash.

* The sandwich is ham and cheese, accompanied by lettuce and sliced tomatoes and topped with an olive, delicious.

* The beginning action scene is on the map CP Well while the fight with the Heavy Weapons Guy takes place on the middle capture point of CP Granary. The capture point is BLU controlled when the Scout pokes the Heavy in the head and RED controlled after the Scout has defeated the Heavy.

* The Meet the Scout Video was released 19th April 2008. Current language versions include:
o English
o Russian
o French
o German
o Spanish

MR MARICAN LOLOLOLOL


"Meet the Demoman" Video Transcript

["Meet the Demoman" text appears"]
Meet the Demoman Storyboard Concept Sketches
Meet the Demoman Storyboard Concept Sketches

[Retro 60's-style action music plays as the demoman narrowly escapes a massive explosion while jumping from a drop-down corridor in Gravelpit]

[Freeze frame]

Demoman: "What makes me a good demoman?"

[Cut to Demoman, sitting in a room full of explosives]

Demoman: "If I were a bad demoman, I wouldn't be sittin' here, discussin' it with you now would I?"

[Demoman charges into battle along with Team RED while dodging a cascade of rockets]

Demoman: "Let's do it!"

Demoman: "Not one of ya's gonna' survive this."

[Cut back to the Demoman's room]

Demoman: "One crossed wire, one wayward pinch of potassium chlorate, one errant twitch...and kablooie!"

[The Demoman bounces a grenade off a wall and Gibs a pursuing Pyro]

[Cut to scene of the Demoman chugging from his bottle of scrumpy]

[A level 2 Sentry gun upgrades to level 3]

[Cut to scene of the Demoman continuing to chug from his bottle of scrumpy]

[Sentry gun fires rockets at the Demoman]

[Cut to a close up of the Demoman's face, still chugging from his bottle of scrumpy]

[The Demoman dodges the rockets as a nearby Scout is gunned down by the Sentry. The Demoman then fires two grenades, destroying the Sentry gun]

[The Demoman slams the now empty bottle down on the table, breathing heavily]

[Camera blurs]

Demoman: "I got a manky eye. I'm a black, Scottish cyclops. They've got more [humorously long censor bleep] ...than they've got the likes of me."

[The Demoman starts to drink from the empty bottle, then notices the camera and becomes lucid again]

Demoman: "So...."

[Bagpipes start to play in the background]

Demoman: "....T'all you fine dandies so proud, so cock-sure."

[The Demoman runs out to the final capture point in Gravelpit and is shocked to see a group of BLU team members charging towards him with smug expressions on their faces. A devious look comes over the Demoman's face and he runs with BLU in hot pursuit]

Demoman: "Prancin' aboot with your heads full of eyeballs! Come and get me I say.[The Demoman covers a door frame in sticky bombs] I'll be waiting on ya with a whiff of the 'ol brimstone. I'm a grim bloody fable....with an unhappy bloody end!"

[The Heavy notices the sticky bombs around the door frame, and his expression changes from smug to one of shock. The Demoman throws a mock salute and activates the sticky bombs, gibbing all his pursuers]

[The Demoman walks up to (presumably) a decapitated head, laughing merrily as body parts and blood rain down around him.]

Demoman: "Oh, they're going to have to glue you back together....in hell!"

[Team Fortress 2 ending flourish music plays accompanied by bagpipes]

Notes

* The Demoman's explosives are supplied by 'Red Shed'.

* The BLU sentry somehow upgrades itself to Level 3 without an Engineer.

* At 00:57, The Demoman knocks a grenade off the table, which bleeps but for some reason does not explode.

* The Demoman sets 16 sticky bombs on the doorframe. In game, the maximum number of stickies a Demoman can set at any one time is 8.

* The Demoman's explosives are branded 'Gold Medal'.

* The Demoman's bottle is branded 'XXX'.

* The Demoman keeps an open tin of cordite on his desk.

* When the Red Demoman and Scout reach the sentry. The minigun and rocket is facing the demoman but the Scout died.

* Ironic Sign: When the Demoman gibs the pursuing Pyro, the camera zooms in briefly on a sign saying "Danger: Explosives".

* The dispenser does not have an ammunition indicator which tells players how much ammo it stores.

* The dispenser next to the BLU sentry gun disappears after the Demoman fires at it.

* The sentry gun fires at the grenades as they head towards it. In game, sentries only fire at living opponents and other sentry guns.

* The Demoman disappears after he destroys the sentry gun.

* Body Count: 8

* As the Demoman laughs after he detonates his sticky bombs, a severed arm bounces off his shoulder.

* The music that plays during the battle sequence is the only music used so far not to appear on the soundtrack or in the game files in some form, unlike the music that plays during the battle sequences in Meet the Soldier. It is possible this may be added as menu music in an upcoming patch.

* The closing screen features the following disclaimer: "All information regarding Demoman grenade behaviour was obtained from Australians believed to be reliable at the time. It is submitted to the possibility of errors, omissions, or nerfing without notice."

* The Demoman is shown bouncing a grenade off a wall in order to kill a Pyro. The ability for grenades to detonate on contact after the first bounce was removed in a later patch for both the PC and 360.

* The RED team seems to be attacking while they usually defend in actual gameplay and vice-versa for BLU.

* When the "Meet the Demoman" text appears, there is a "lololol" right to the "copyright" which is above "A Valve picture".